Havin' A Dance With The Baguette Man!

It soon became apparent to Grandma that she had entered the wrong address. But she didn't let that spoil her fun.

Peter Frampton At X-Mas

Cincinnati resident and rock star Peter Frampton reads "A Visit From Saint Nicholas" in the studios of WVXU, our local NPR station.

Disappointed By Chinese Democracy?

Here's Nicki Rose jammin' on Electric Warrior.

Allow this ROSE to rock yo' muthafuckin' ASS OFF!!!

Forever worship at his altar of ROCK 'n' ROLL!!!

Playing With Yorku

Worst voice dub in movie history, as well as just being creepy. Would you let your little girl play in a boat's "basement" with Yorku, the ancient Chinese guy?

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #6

Those folks who are lucky enough to know me are well aware of my severe Anglophilia. I am easily seduced by all things British. Additionally, those fortunate enough to count me as a friend also know that I am straight as a fuckin' arrow. I am a heterosexual or, as some in the LGBT community might say, a het, a heto, a "commoner", a non-gay, or my favorite (though I don't have any children) a "breeder". Therefore, my deep and painful crush on the stunning British actress Emily Blunt should be a surprise to no one. Many of you probably know her from her role as "Emily" (imagine that!) the assistant to Meryl Streep's character "Miranda Priestly" in The Devil Wears Prada. I became aware of her back in 2004 when she appeared in the film My Summer of Love in which she gets naked and makes hot lesbian love to her co-star, the also beautiful, also British Natalie Press. Imagine my profound disappointment, then, when I found that my lovely Miss Blunt was "seeing" Michael "Mediocrity Personified" Bublé. He is an American "singer" of some renown who just happens to be awful...and also doesn't look good naked (see below).


Even I'M in better shape than THIS guy, so that's pretty bad! Anyway, as difficult as it was for me to do, I had to remove Miss Blunt from my monkey bank. I simply could not continue to crush on any woman who would date such a white-bread, piece-o-shit, no-talent "celebrity". But then, just moments ago (as of this writing), a fortuitous event happened. It's Saturday night and I'm sorta, kinda working with my personal assistant and platonic gal pal Millicent Malinowski. We're half-heartedly watching TV while reviewing my quarterly tax information. Gnoshin' on a handful of Goldfish crackers and enjoying a glass of Wild Irish Rose, I suddenly see Miss Blunt on the screen. She's in the Tom Hanks movie Charlie Wilson's War and she looks AMAZING! Early in the film, we see her in her underwear. She is ravishing. Gorgeous. Insane body. Because I had reluctantly stopped lusting over her some time ago, I had no idea she was in this movie. Millicent, who spends most of her waking hours working with me and is infinitely familiar with my various quirks and obsessions says, "Y'know she's not with that guy anymore. Uhm, that Bubble guy or whatever? The one you can't stand?" I'm up like a shot and rush to the computer to find some confirmation. How did I miss this? They split-up back in JULY! I had no idea. "Good for you, Emily," I say aloud. "Now...if only we could meet...somehow...you'd no doubt fall madly in love with me." Millicent rolls her eyes, shuffles some papers, and hopes that I'm not going completely mad.

I Pledge Allegiance...

to a wax-dipped bottle of premium Kentucky bourbon.

A Long Nap

Why does one invariably feel like shit after a long nap? The perfect nap for me is exactly 37 minutes. Any nap longer than that becomes counterproductive. So, if I end up napping for like 4 HOURS, which I did today, I wake up feeling like absolute DEATH! Now I've got a tremendous headache...I slept, fully clothed, with multiple layers, so I was sweatin' like a wooly mammoth...I feel sapped of energy...and now I'll be up 'til who knows when. Millicent is bringing me a couple Bufferin, a can of Pepsi, and a cold compress, so maybe I'll feel better shortly. But damn. I hadda lotta shit I wanted to get done today. Fuck long naps!

Stan & Ollie

I Don't Wanna Work!

Who knew John McCain was a freakin' BADASS on the skins!?!?

My Thoughts Exactly, Wall Street

Laundry Fetish?

Whatever turns ya' on...I guess.

Hey, George!

"Hey, George! The solutions to ALL of America's problems can be found just beyond that door over there. Yeah...that door there. No...you gotta pull. Pull the handle. No, PULL! Open the Goddamned door you FUCKIN' NITWIT! Ah, for fuck's SAKE!"

(Not Quite) Instant Karma

The universe works in mysterious ways. Dig this!

October 3, 1995 - O.J.Simpson is found NOT GUILTY of double murder in the deaths of former wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

October 3, 2008 - O.J.Simpson is found GUILTY of 12 charges, including kidnapping and armed robbery, a verdict which may place Simpson in jail for the rest of his life.

13 years TO THE DAY! A little COSMIC COMEUPPANCE! Ya really gotta love life's little synchronicities. I guess the OJ team thought this was gonna be another LUCKY day. O W N E D!!!

WTF?

Recently TRIED to watch Hairspray, the movie of the musical of the movie. What the fuck was John Travolta thinking? Supposedly he was affecting a Baltimore accent to play the character of Edna Turnblad. He actually sounded 1/2 southern and 1/2 retarded. Millicent, my faithful researcher, tells me that Travolta insisted on going that way with the character, much to the dismay of everybody involved. I mean, nobody else in the movie bothered to use a phony accent. Nobody on HBO's The Wire, a show set in Baltimore and noted for its realism, tried to sound like a local. This is just more proof that Travolta is completely unhinged and a self-obsessed moron.

People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.3)

Sheryl Crow

Her success totally baffles me. Middle of the road mediocrity with a voice that sounds not unlike the bird that shares her name. Has an enormous mouth. Frightens small children. Another talentless hack. Cannot STAND her.

People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.2)

Beyonce

Hate her stupid name. Hate anybody who insists on going by first name only. Overrated. Guy's think I'm crazy, but I don't find her the least bit attractive. Don't believe the hype.

People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.1)

Jeff Probst

Talentless hack. Hate him...hate his show.

She's A Minor Threat

Fight The Power

Putting the Insanity in Christianity

Words To Live By

"That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust." -- Gustave Flaubert

'stoo Bad...

A real shame, actually. She totally used to turn me on. Now she's an absolute nut bar, letting herself go physically and mentally. I realize she's supposed to be an adult, responsible for her own actions, regardless of any past neglect or misguided intentions on the part of her parents. But, judging from her younger sibling's recent, uh, "situation", I gotta place SOME of the blame on Lynne and Jim, the seemingly ersatz and/or absentee "creators" of the Spears progeny.

But Britney used to be hot. Obviously, not only was the above picture taken years before the train wreck, but I'm sure it was also Photoshopped, the ubiquitous airbrush for the 21st Century. I don't care. She looked good. I know this makes me sound shallow, but I can't help but embrace my inner dirty old man. I've always LOVED Britney's big-ass legs. (FYI: The above photo was used as the cover shot for an issue of Esquire in 2003. It's an homage to a 1966 cover shot featuring a very yummy Angie Dickinson. Check out the February 2008 issue for the most recent treatment of this "non-nude" nude theme. While everything old is "nude" again, there's nothing "nude" under the sun!)

And anyway, dig the following notion: Britney could very well be infinitely more clever than we believe. She may actually be a shrewd media manipulator...a real hero of hype, exposing the moral illness in OUR soul by exploiting the culture which is so clearly obsessed with her every move. If she wasn't obviously endangering the physical and emotional well-being of two very young children, I'd say my girl Britney is a true post-modern genius. Of course I'm joking, but...

One could forgive Britney almost every other whacked thing she's done, including her marriage to the world's most "productive" loser, Kevin Federline. However, one cannot ignore the issue of the children. As it is, she probably treats the over-bred "dog du jour" she might happen to have stuffed into HER $13,000 handbag (see Kirstin "Dunce") better than she treats her own kids. This places Ms. Spears among the most diseased of adolescent Hollywood's sick sorority of malignant narcissists. (I DARE you to count the number of "S's" in that last sentence! A virtual black hole of "S's". The "S" as perfect storm. BTW, I used "adolescent" instead of "young" because I didn't like how "young" woulda rhymed with "among". Having said that, I shoulda just used "amongst" instead, allowing me to employ one more "S".) Hmmm, that was kinda harsh, but not totally off the mark. Britney is obviously unwell. But she maybe deserves SOME sympathy, right?

So I've admitted my not-so-secret, not-so-shameful secret shame: I like Britney. She's not talented exactly, but can be easy on the eyes. She's dumb, but not evil. And obviously very sick. She'll always be an easy target and an obvious punchline, and believe me, I won't be above taking the cheap shot. But my sincere wish is that she gets some real help real soon. Her kids certainly deserve better, at the very least. There's certainly reason for hope. Britney was competent enough recently to give the unctuous Dr. Phil the bum's rush after his unsolicited visit, so she can't be COMPLETELY delusional. And she is, for the moment at least, still single. This means that I still have a shot. After all, she deserves a good man for once.

'Elo Kiddies

Sorry 'bout the lack of posts, but these winter months tend to wreak havoc on my ability to do ANYTHING, much less post to my blog. Stay tuned, however, cuz I gots some tricks up me sleeve.

Been to the doctor recently (a rarity, as I've no insurance!) and you'll all be happy to know that I am in generally good health. Been giving some anti-depressants a try (better living through chemistry!) and while it's only been a coupla of months, I haven't noticed any marked improvement with regards to my chronic melancholia. The doctor suggests (of course!) that if one medication doesn't seem to work, we can try another one...and then another...and so on and so on, ad infinitum. Doctors and "Big Pharma" LOVE this notion, arguing that treating depression with medication is closer to medieval alchemy than it is to true science. My doc is another graduate of The Hit Or Miss School Of Medicine. And then, inevitably, after a few more months, the doc will say I've been misdiagnosed! "You're not depressed at all," he'll say. "You're bi-polar! Here...take these samples. I have no idea what they are, but the pharmacy rep dropped them off just this morning! She gave me all kinds of goodies, like this pen here. And she's got great legs! I couldn't keep my eyes off 'em. Didn't hear a word she said. But hey...you've already tried every other drug under the sun. One more isn't gonna hurt." What I REALLY need is a heroic dose of psilocybin followed by a cocaine/morphine speedball chaser. I imagine that'd liven up one's day. Actually, I'm sure all I need is more exercise. Vigorous sex on a regular basis would, I'm sure, be a MIRACULOUS cure. But I'll be dead before I find a partner who's willing to nurse me back to health in such a manner. Looks like I'll just have to settle for jumpin' jacks and walks around the block.

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #5

I've never been a fan of Alicia Keys' music, but DAMN!

She's one hot, sexy bitch!

And Bob Dylan agrees with me!

This Shit's Gettin' Outta Hand!

In an unusual case in which an Arizona recipient of an RIAA letter has fought back in court rather than write a check to avoid hefty legal fees, the industry is taking its argument against music sharing one step further: In legal documents in its federal case against Jeffrey Howell, a Scottsdale, Ariz., man who kept a collection of about 2,000 music recordings on his personal computer, the industry maintains that it is illegal for someone who has legally purchased a CD to transfer that music into his computer.

The insanity with which the RIAA conducts business is now WAY over the top.


For the rest of this story check the Washington Post.

Return From Sabbatical

Things 'round here have been pretty nutty lately. My life tends to fall apart when the days become shorter. Dunno...I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder or some shit. And how inconvenient when life intrudes on...life. Anyway, so much to rant about, so little time. I was able to let loose with some steam over the holiday and I'm all better. Stay tuned to this blog for fresh, new ranting. And thanks to the buddy who squared me with an entire bag of Watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

Jolly? Hardly!

Okay consumers...dig this! I recently bought a bag of "Original Flavor" Jolly Ranchers...which contained only ONE piece of Watermelon! According to the nutrition facts on the bag, three (3) pieces make one (1) serving of the candy. There are about 35 pieces of candy per bag but somehow I only got 1/3 of a serving of Watermelon. Yeah, I'm aware that the assortment in each package may vary, but COME ON! Is it unreasonable to assume that I'm gonna enjoy at least ONE serving of watermelon? Sheesh! And if that weren't enough, Lemon has been replaced by Blue Raspberry. While I'm not crazy about Lemon, Blue Raspberry is definitely NOT one of the ORIGINAL flavors! I've been a Rancher fan since the old days, so I know. This is SCANDALOUS! The Hershey Foods Corporation has a toll-free number...AND I'M CALLIN' IT!

I'll be back...

Repeated Viewing #2

Like The Big Lebowski, Showtime has been playing Quiz Show for the last several weeks and I can't tear away from it when it's on. Along with My Favorite Year, Quiz Show is my favorite movie set in the 50s, a time when America was losing an innocence it never really had.

Um, Willie? Yer scarin' me, dude.

Dirty Little Secret

I can't believe the growing number of seemingly intelligent people who are taking this Secret bullshit seriously. The only person getting rich from this pseudoscientific, psychospiritual babble is Rhonda Byrne, the shameless "creator" of the DVD and book that is hoodwinking millions of people, including the already fabulously wealthy (but stupid) Oprah Winfrey. There aren't any novel concepts presented in the book or DVD, but the shallow, selfish, materialistic message is certainly appealing to an American culture obsessed with taking shortcuts to wealth. Why work for your money when you can just "think" it into magically appearing in your grubby little hands? Ugghhh! I caught a friend of mine reading the book recently and had to give her what for. I doubt she'll ever speak to me again...I'm not sure I'll miss her.

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #4

I hated Stacy London for the longest time. As one of the "Style Gurus" of TLC's What Not To Wear she came across as an obnoxious bully, ridiculing the show's participants with her incessant smarm and haughtiness. But slowly, over many months, my opinion changed. She is hot, after all, and I began to entertain what is surely an unhealthy fantasy: imagining myself as Eliza Doolittle to Ms. London's Professor Henry Higgins. I now understand that Stacy is simply using a "tough love" approach to help those who are, like me, severely challenged in the style department. And she's not just a pretty face (and nice boobs) either. Turns out she's crazy smart. According to her bio, she graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Vassar College with a double degree in 20th-century philosophy and German literature. She'll soon be hosting her own show which I understand will be called Shut Up! It's Stacy London.

Despite All The Unpleasantness...

Dave still loves him some Britney!

Album Art #2

I Wanna Learn Ya'll Sumthin'

Besides featuring the basso profundo ambitions of Tay Zonday, emotional pro-Britney video rants, and amateur p.o.v. blowjobs, the Internet can also be a great tool for LEARNING. Seriously! One of my favorite ways to utilize this virtual education machine is to download or stream lectures on any number of interesting topics. The Commonwealth Club of California is a great public and cultural affairs forum that regularly features talks and interviews with all kinds of speakers on a variety of subjects. The Club's website, which contains a sizable audio archive of various lectures, is a great free resource for those who want to kill an hour or so by learning something new. Check it out here.

I'll post more lecture links in the future, and would appreciate any suggestions that you might have.

Why...

should I give a fuck about the weekend box office?

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #2 & #3

There's only one thing hotter than an attractive woman with a sense of humor: TWO attractive women, each with their own sense of humor. So here's Beth & Val from The Beth & Val Show! Pontificating on any and all subjects, these women of wit are mere seconds away from stardom and a welcome ubiquity. And I have the most pathetic crush on BOTH of 'em!
Check out their clips HERE, presented by the DOT COMEDY website, and get in on the ground floor of what will surely become a cultural phenomenon.

(BETH's on the left!)

ReveNuTube

In a significant but unsurprising departure from its grass-roots origins, YouTube will begin showing advertisements within some of its user-generated video clips. Google, which acquired the video sharing site last year, stated that the ads would start 15 seconds after a clip begins and run as a semi-transparent overlay on the bottom fifth of the video screen. The ads would run for at least 10 seconds, and users can click through to see more about the product.

There will also be a mandatory $1.00 fee imposed on every "ass-shaking" video viewed or posted to the site. Google expects this fee to ultimately generate many billions of dollars in revenue.

On The Slack

Okay, I know I've been really lazy, but posting videos and pictures is so much EASIER than putting an opinion into words. That is if I'm gonna bother posting at all. Hell, 'snot like I gotta lotta READERS out there. Hullo? HULLO? Need to launch some kinda PR campaign or sumpin'. And see, I'm using a desktop...I get tired of being LEASHED to the freakin' thing alla time, nawhamsayin'? "Mom? I know what I'd like for Christmas!" Anyway, there's so much SHIT goin' on in the world and I don't know where to begin. I'd be here all day and night! And I've got books to read, y'know? Plus, I've got a really bad headache, so...jus' lay OFF me, a'ight?

A Meeting of the Minds

Yeah, I'm totally rippin' off Bill Maher, but I couldn't help it.





Are you like me? Gushing with pride?

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #1

Attack of the Show's very beautiful and fairly talented Olivia Munn. Her name kinda sounds dirty. Like, "Hey, Baby! Nice MUNN!" Or, "Shit! Check out the MUNN on that chick!" Or, "Man, she can really..." ah, you get the idea.

Krumpin' Wit Peanuts

I'm Not Lovin' It

Here's something I'm sure we can all agree on: 99% of all commercials suck. Occasionally, you'll see a funny one or there'll be a hot babe that makes the spot worth watching. But for the most part, TV commercials are intolerable. I am currently REALLY hating the new one for the McDonald's Spicy Barbecue Chicken Chipotle Snack Wrap or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, the one with the dude doin' the rap in Spanish. I know, it features a hot babe, but not enough of her to merit a thumbs up from yours truly. The commercial starts in medias res, with the chick opening her door to two assholes, one of whom delivers the rap. There's already a couple of guys in the house moving a picture or something. I get the impression that this broad is gonna pull a serious train with all these guys. (But I've gotta filthy mind, so...) Then the other prick at the door does the "wiki wiki" thing and says, like, "What? You said you wanted a rap...with a little spice!" Kinda racist, really. The chick then attempts to enunciate the words "wrap" and "rap" differently. Okay, real people simply DO NOT talk or act like this! I am reminded of a sketch from Ben Stiller's brilliant FOX TV show from the 90s where he creates a faux dandruff shampoo commercial in order to mock how advertisers depict young people. (I tried to find the clip online, but it's not on YouTube.) Sheesh! McDonald's always has the WORST commercials. I'm almost tempted to stop eating there. Almost.