'stoo Bad...

A real shame, actually. She totally used to turn me on. Now she's an absolute nut bar, letting herself go physically and mentally. I realize she's supposed to be an adult, responsible for her own actions, regardless of any past neglect or misguided intentions on the part of her parents. But, judging from her younger sibling's recent, uh, "situation", I gotta place SOME of the blame on Lynne and Jim, the seemingly ersatz and/or absentee "creators" of the Spears progeny.

But Britney used to be hot. Obviously, not only was the above picture taken years before the train wreck, but I'm sure it was also Photoshopped, the ubiquitous airbrush for the 21st Century. I don't care. She looked good. I know this makes me sound shallow, but I can't help but embrace my inner dirty old man. I've always LOVED Britney's big-ass legs. (FYI: The above photo was used as the cover shot for an issue of Esquire in 2003. It's an homage to a 1966 cover shot featuring a very yummy Angie Dickinson. Check out the February 2008 issue for the most recent treatment of this "non-nude" nude theme. While everything old is "nude" again, there's nothing "nude" under the sun!)

And anyway, dig the following notion: Britney could very well be infinitely more clever than we believe. She may actually be a shrewd media manipulator...a real hero of hype, exposing the moral illness in OUR soul by exploiting the culture which is so clearly obsessed with her every move. If she wasn't obviously endangering the physical and emotional well-being of two very young children, I'd say my girl Britney is a true post-modern genius. Of course I'm joking, but...

One could forgive Britney almost every other whacked thing she's done, including her marriage to the world's most "productive" loser, Kevin Federline. However, one cannot ignore the issue of the children. As it is, she probably treats the over-bred "dog du jour" she might happen to have stuffed into HER $13,000 handbag (see Kirstin "Dunce") better than she treats her own kids. This places Ms. Spears among the most diseased of adolescent Hollywood's sick sorority of malignant narcissists. (I DARE you to count the number of "S's" in that last sentence! A virtual black hole of "S's". The "S" as perfect storm. BTW, I used "adolescent" instead of "young" because I didn't like how "young" woulda rhymed with "among". Having said that, I shoulda just used "amongst" instead, allowing me to employ one more "S".) Hmmm, that was kinda harsh, but not totally off the mark. Britney is obviously unwell. But she maybe deserves SOME sympathy, right?

So I've admitted my not-so-secret, not-so-shameful secret shame: I like Britney. She's not talented exactly, but can be easy on the eyes. She's dumb, but not evil. And obviously very sick. She'll always be an easy target and an obvious punchline, and believe me, I won't be above taking the cheap shot. But my sincere wish is that she gets some real help real soon. Her kids certainly deserve better, at the very least. There's certainly reason for hope. Britney was competent enough recently to give the unctuous Dr. Phil the bum's rush after his unsolicited visit, so she can't be COMPLETELY delusional. And she is, for the moment at least, still single. This means that I still have a shot. After all, she deserves a good man for once.