Fun With Color!

Here's a cool site that'll help ya pass a few hours...or days.

Trust me. Thank me later.

R.I.P. Ron Asheton of The Stooges

Ron Asheton - (July 17, 1948 - c.January 1, 2009)

An Overlooked Minor Masterpiece

Starring Dick Van Dyke and written and directed by Norman Lear, 1971's Cold Turkey is one of my top 10 favorite comedies of all time. Cast with practically every comedy/character actor from the early seventies, this overlooked classic satire has been playing on SHOWTIME the last couple of weeks. I remember seeing it for the first time as a young kid and I loved it even then.

***Spoiler Alert***

I even laughed when the dog got kicked!

Silly Girl...Tricks Are For Douche Bags!

I've never liked magicians. Except Penn & Teller and The Amazing Jonathan...'cuz they also happen to be FUNNY! But I REALLY hate Criss Angel. Beneath the humble, fan-lovin' facade is a real douchebag who earlier this year threatened to blind a journalist who only has one eye, among other asshole-ish things. I don't know who this gal in the picture is, but I gotta think she's there for Angel's seemingly limitless scratch. If he weren't a millionaire Vegas magician, he'd just be another Guido in the clubs making sure everybody notices that he works out. In this pic, however, he's lookin' BAD! And I mean BAD as in BAD, not BAD as in GOOD, like the hip kids say these days.

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Criss: "And for my next trick, watch me make all this crack disappear!"

Havin' A Dance With The Baguette Man!

It soon became apparent to Grandma that she had entered the wrong address. But she didn't let that spoil her fun.

Peter Frampton At X-Mas

Cincinnati resident and rock star Peter Frampton reads "A Visit From Saint Nicholas" in the studios of WVXU, our local NPR station.

Disappointed By Chinese Democracy?

Here's Nicki Rose jammin' on Electric Warrior.

Allow this ROSE to rock yo' muthafuckin' ASS OFF!!!

Forever worship at his altar of ROCK 'n' ROLL!!!

Playing With Yorku

Worst voice dub in movie history, as well as just being creepy. Would you let your little girl play in a boat's "basement" with Yorku, the ancient Chinese guy?

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #6

Those folks who are lucky enough to know me are well aware of my severe Anglophilia. I am easily seduced by all things British. Additionally, those fortunate enough to count me as a friend also know that I am straight as a fuckin' arrow. I am a heterosexual or, as some in the LGBT community might say, a het, a heto, a "commoner", a non-gay, or my favorite (though I don't have any children) a "breeder". Therefore, my deep and painful crush on the stunning British actress Emily Blunt should be a surprise to no one. Many of you probably know her from her role as "Emily" (imagine that!) the assistant to Meryl Streep's character "Miranda Priestly" in The Devil Wears Prada. I became aware of her back in 2004 when she appeared in the film My Summer of Love in which she gets naked and makes hot lesbian love to her co-star, the also beautiful, also British Natalie Press. Imagine my profound disappointment, then, when I found that my lovely Miss Blunt was "seeing" Michael "Mediocrity Personified" Bublé. He is an American "singer" of some renown who just happens to be awful...and also doesn't look good naked (see below).


Even I'M in better shape than THIS guy, so that's pretty bad! Anyway, as difficult as it was for me to do, I had to remove Miss Blunt from my monkey bank. I simply could not continue to crush on any woman who would date such a white-bread, piece-o-shit, no-talent "celebrity". But then, just moments ago (as of this writing), a fortuitous event happened. It's Saturday night and I'm sorta, kinda working with my personal assistant and platonic gal pal Millicent Malinowski. We're half-heartedly watching TV while reviewing my quarterly tax information. Gnoshin' on a handful of Goldfish crackers and enjoying a glass of Wild Irish Rose, I suddenly see Miss Blunt on the screen. She's in the Tom Hanks movie Charlie Wilson's War and she looks AMAZING! Early in the film, we see her in her underwear. She is ravishing. Gorgeous. Insane body. Because I had reluctantly stopped lusting over her some time ago, I had no idea she was in this movie. Millicent, who spends most of her waking hours working with me and is infinitely familiar with my various quirks and obsessions says, "Y'know she's not with that guy anymore. Uhm, that Bubble guy or whatever? The one you can't stand?" I'm up like a shot and rush to the computer to find some confirmation. How did I miss this? They split-up back in JULY! I had no idea. "Good for you, Emily," I say aloud. "Now...if only we could meet...somehow...you'd no doubt fall madly in love with me." Millicent rolls her eyes, shuffles some papers, and hopes that I'm not going completely mad.

I Pledge Allegiance...

to a wax-dipped bottle of premium Kentucky bourbon.

Finally...This Shit Is Over

Unless they start ramping up for 2012 NEXT WEEK!

A Long Nap

Why does one invariably feel like shit after a long nap? The perfect nap for me is exactly 37 minutes. Any nap longer than that becomes counterproductive. So, if I end up napping for like 4 HOURS, which I did today, I wake up feeling like absolute DEATH! Now I've got a tremendous headache...I slept, fully clothed, with multiple layers, so I was sweatin' like a wooly mammoth...I feel sapped of energy...and now I'll be up 'til who knows when. Millicent is bringing me a couple Bufferin, a can of Pepsi, and a cold compress, so maybe I'll feel better shortly. But damn. I hadda lotta shit I wanted to get done today. Fuck long naps!

Stan & Ollie

I Don't Wanna Work!

Who knew John McCain was a freakin' BADASS on the skins!?!?

My Thoughts Exactly, Wall Street

Laundry Fetish?

Whatever turns ya' on...I guess.

Meatloaf...Or Frankenstein's Monster?

Meatloaf was a stuttering, bewildered MESS at the Q Awards in London this past weekend. His "people" claim he was suffering from vertigo. I betcha he was suffering from a drinking contest with the Gallagher brothers from Oasis. In the picture above, however, he looks like he's dancing the Robot.

My New Favorite Frickin' Show

Superjail is a new animated program on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. Set inside a bizarre prison deep within a volcano, this show, despite it's somewhat crude animation, is absolutely BRILLIANT! It's like a concoction of Beavis, Butthead, R. Crumb, Willy Wonka, Alice in Wonderland, and The Yellow Submarine, all on dreadfully high doses of powerful psychedelics. Like many Adult Swim programs, the stories here aren't really stories at all, but more like absurd vignettes. Superjail is high weirdness synergized with a great deal of over-the-top graphic violence. The whole show is just INSANE and I love every second of it. Millicent, my indefatigable researcher and personal assistant, admires it as well. Check out the mayhem Sunday nights at 11:45pm EST.

Hey, George!

"Hey, George! The solutions to ALL of America's problems can be found just beyond that door over there. Yeah...that door there. No...you gotta pull. Pull the handle. No, PULL! Open the Goddamned door you FUCKIN' NITWIT! Ah, for fuck's SAKE!"

(Not Quite) Instant Karma

The universe works in mysterious ways. Dig this!

October 3, 1995 - O.J.Simpson is found NOT GUILTY of double murder in the deaths of former wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

October 3, 2008 - O.J.Simpson is found GUILTY of 12 charges, including kidnapping and armed robbery, a verdict which may place Simpson in jail for the rest of his life.

13 years TO THE DAY! A little COSMIC COMEUPPANCE! Ya really gotta love life's little synchronicities. I guess the OJ team thought this was gonna be another LUCKY day. O W N E D!!!

Giving Praise To Yahweh

Christopher Hitchens would LOVE this!

I'm A Better Man Than She Is!!!

With Lindsay officially announcing that she's been dating "DJ" Samantha Ronson, my self-esteem has just been given a real boost! I'm not a particularly good-lookin' guy, but I'm a HELLUVA lot better lookin' than this Ronson guy...er, um, I mean girl. So to all you messed-up Hollywood celebutantes: give this regular guy a chance! Better lookin' than Sam Ronson and not nearly as dumb as K-Fed, I'm exactly what you're lookin' for!

Seriously though, Lindsay has to do SOMETHING to keep her name in the news. At 22 her career is most likely over. Her last couple of films were absolute SHIT and nobody'll touch her to work in a REAL movie for awhile, if ever. For a long time, I gave the girl credit. Unlike, say, Paris and Nicole, Lindsay actually HAD A JOB! She had to work to keep that nutbar family of hers afloat. Now this publicity stunt, which the media seems to be taking seriously, is the only way for Lindsay to maintain a profile. Thankfully though, it seems the news (news to some, obvious to others for a LONG time) that this country is totally in the SHITTER may finally push some of this celebrity nonsense OFF the media's radar. Citizens need to start paying attention to what's goin' on in Washington before we get RAPED by this ridiculous financial bail-out. I WILL NOT pay taxes so that some incompetent bank executive can slink off with a $73 million dollar golden fuckin' parachute after runnin' his institution into the ground.

I WILL however take a member of young Hollywood out for a nice evening. How does Red Lobster sound? And after, we can go back to my parent's place. I'll light candles and we can enjoy a REALLY good box of wine in front of the TV. I don't have any movie channels though, so we won't be able to watch Georgia Rule or License To Wed. And my mom makes really good microwave popcorn, y'know. Think about it. We may not have much more time to fiddle before the fall of Rome.

I Hate Jeff Probst #2

WHO gives a shit about Jeff Probst winning an Emmy Award last night?


THIS GUY!!!

Whitest...Band...EVER!!!

Aside from the (thankfully!) short snippets one hears during their incessant VH1 commercial, I've not really heard this band's music. But judging by the brief music samples, their ubiquitous hipster poseur look, and their STUPID name (Thriving Ivory? DREADFUL!) these guys are 'bout as good as SHIT on a STICK!!! (Which, BTW, is NOT the name of another band...that I'm aware of, anyway...but I bet they'd sound better than Thriving Ivory. Thriving Ivory? What the fuck IS that?) Ivory meaning white...meaning vanilla...meaning safe and BORING! Ugghhh!

I dunno what to think of the current music scene. There's always great stuff out there if one is hip and willing to do a little work to find it, but most new POPULAR music is just so fucking BAD! As far as I'm concerned it's not even worthy of THEFT! Would anybody really risk a lawsuit by the RIAA by illegally downloading Thriving Ivory's MOR rubbish? "The Ivorys", as I'm sure their small contingent of "fans" call them, are the 2008 equivalent of Huey Lewis & the News...and that's an insult to the News! BOO!!! HISS!!!

WTF?

Recently TRIED to watch Hairspray, the movie of the musical of the movie. What the fuck was John Travolta thinking? Supposedly he was affecting a Baltimore accent to play the character of Edna Turnblad. He actually sounded 1/2 southern and 1/2 retarded. Millicent, my faithful researcher, tells me that Travolta insisted on going that way with the character, much to the dismay of everybody involved. I mean, nobody else in the movie bothered to use a phony accent. Nobody on HBO's The Wire, a show set in Baltimore and noted for its realism, tried to sound like a local. This is just more proof that Travolta is completely unhinged and a self-obsessed moron.

People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.3)

Sheryl Crow

Her success totally baffles me. Middle of the road mediocrity with a voice that sounds not unlike the bird that shares her name. Has an enormous mouth. Frightens small children. Another talentless hack. Cannot STAND her.

People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.2)

Beyonce

Hate her stupid name. Hate anybody who insists on going by first name only. Overrated. Guy's think I'm crazy, but I don't find her the least bit attractive. Don't believe the hype.

People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.1)

Jeff Probst

Talentless hack. Hate him...hate his show.

White Trash With Money

...and pasta!

The "Hogan" family is a real mess. Mom and Sis dress like hookers while Dad tries to wrangle a reality show for Bro who languishes in jail. You know...just an average American family. Anyway, here's a link to the Nick Hogan jailhouse tapes. And for more vile Hogan Family fun, check out what Mama Linda wore to visit her 17-year-old SON...in JAIL. Enjoy!

Michelle Malkin

Making the world safe from cute talk & cooking show hosts!

She's A Minor Threat

Fight The Power

Putting the Insanity in Christianity

Words To Live By

"That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust." -- Gustave Flaubert

Books 'n' Books 'n' More Good Books

Gotta keep the blog alive! I'll make it easy on myself by simply listing some books I've been reading or recently finished reading:

Gone To New York by Ian Frazier -- Collection of essays about living in NYC

Villain's Paradise by Donald Thomas -- History of Britain's post-war criminal underworld

Social History of the Third Reich (1933-1945) by Pierre Aycoberry -- More grist for my history mill

Alexander's Tomb by Nicholas Saunders -- Search for tomb of Alexander the Great

Chuck Klosterman IV by Chuck Klosterman -- Collection of essays

Dark Ages America by Morris Berman -- Pessimistic view of current American culture

Okay fan(s)! I'll try to post more often...if I can tear myself away from my books!

'stoo Bad...

A real shame, actually. She totally used to turn me on. Now she's an absolute nut bar, letting herself go physically and mentally. I realize she's supposed to be an adult, responsible for her own actions, regardless of any past neglect or misguided intentions on the part of her parents. But, judging from her younger sibling's recent, uh, "situation", I gotta place SOME of the blame on Lynne and Jim, the seemingly ersatz and/or absentee "creators" of the Spears progeny.

But Britney used to be hot. Obviously, not only was the above picture taken years before the train wreck, but I'm sure it was also Photoshopped, the ubiquitous airbrush for the 21st Century. I don't care. She looked good. I know this makes me sound shallow, but I can't help but embrace my inner dirty old man. I've always LOVED Britney's big-ass legs. (FYI: The above photo was used as the cover shot for an issue of Esquire in 2003. It's an homage to a 1966 cover shot featuring a very yummy Angie Dickinson. Check out the February 2008 issue for the most recent treatment of this "non-nude" nude theme. While everything old is "nude" again, there's nothing "nude" under the sun!)

And anyway, dig the following notion: Britney could very well be infinitely more clever than we believe. She may actually be a shrewd media manipulator...a real hero of hype, exposing the moral illness in OUR soul by exploiting the culture which is so clearly obsessed with her every move. If she wasn't obviously endangering the physical and emotional well-being of two very young children, I'd say my girl Britney is a true post-modern genius. Of course I'm joking, but...

One could forgive Britney almost every other whacked thing she's done, including her marriage to the world's most "productive" loser, Kevin Federline. However, one cannot ignore the issue of the children. As it is, she probably treats the over-bred "dog du jour" she might happen to have stuffed into HER $13,000 handbag (see Kirstin "Dunce") better than she treats her own kids. This places Ms. Spears among the most diseased of adolescent Hollywood's sick sorority of malignant narcissists. (I DARE you to count the number of "S's" in that last sentence! A virtual black hole of "S's". The "S" as perfect storm. BTW, I used "adolescent" instead of "young" because I didn't like how "young" woulda rhymed with "among". Having said that, I shoulda just used "amongst" instead, allowing me to employ one more "S".) Hmmm, that was kinda harsh, but not totally off the mark. Britney is obviously unwell. But she maybe deserves SOME sympathy, right?

So I've admitted my not-so-secret, not-so-shameful secret shame: I like Britney. She's not talented exactly, but can be easy on the eyes. She's dumb, but not evil. And obviously very sick. She'll always be an easy target and an obvious punchline, and believe me, I won't be above taking the cheap shot. But my sincere wish is that she gets some real help real soon. Her kids certainly deserve better, at the very least. There's certainly reason for hope. Britney was competent enough recently to give the unctuous Dr. Phil the bum's rush after his unsolicited visit, so she can't be COMPLETELY delusional. And she is, for the moment at least, still single. This means that I still have a shot. After all, she deserves a good man for once.

'Elo Kiddies

Sorry 'bout the lack of posts, but these winter months tend to wreak havoc on my ability to do ANYTHING, much less post to my blog. Stay tuned, however, cuz I gots some tricks up me sleeve.

Been to the doctor recently (a rarity, as I've no insurance!) and you'll all be happy to know that I am in generally good health. Been giving some anti-depressants a try (better living through chemistry!) and while it's only been a coupla of months, I haven't noticed any marked improvement with regards to my chronic melancholia. The doctor suggests (of course!) that if one medication doesn't seem to work, we can try another one...and then another...and so on and so on, ad infinitum. Doctors and "Big Pharma" LOVE this notion, arguing that treating depression with medication is closer to medieval alchemy than it is to true science. My doc is another graduate of The Hit Or Miss School Of Medicine. And then, inevitably, after a few more months, the doc will say I've been misdiagnosed! "You're not depressed at all," he'll say. "You're bi-polar! Here...take these samples. I have no idea what they are, but the pharmacy rep dropped them off just this morning! She gave me all kinds of goodies, like this pen here. And she's got great legs! I couldn't keep my eyes off 'em. Didn't hear a word she said. But hey...you've already tried every other drug under the sun. One more isn't gonna hurt." What I REALLY need is a heroic dose of psilocybin followed by a cocaine/morphine speedball chaser. I imagine that'd liven up one's day. Actually, I'm sure all I need is more exercise. Vigorous sex on a regular basis would, I'm sure, be a MIRACULOUS cure. But I'll be dead before I find a partner who's willing to nurse me back to health in such a manner. Looks like I'll just have to settle for jumpin' jacks and walks around the block.

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #5

I've never been a fan of Alicia Keys' music, but DAMN!

She's one hot, sexy bitch!

And Bob Dylan agrees with me!

This Shit's Gettin' Outta Hand!

In an unusual case in which an Arizona recipient of an RIAA letter has fought back in court rather than write a check to avoid hefty legal fees, the industry is taking its argument against music sharing one step further: In legal documents in its federal case against Jeffrey Howell, a Scottsdale, Ariz., man who kept a collection of about 2,000 music recordings on his personal computer, the industry maintains that it is illegal for someone who has legally purchased a CD to transfer that music into his computer.

The insanity with which the RIAA conducts business is now WAY over the top.


For the rest of this story check the Washington Post.

Speaking of Watermelon Flavored Candy...

Sigmund Freud Watermelon Flavored Head Pops from the bizarre folks at McPhee.com. Stick somethin' other than a cigar into the erotogenic zone on yer face while tryin' to sort out yer id, ego, and superego. Despite my love of watermelon candy, I'm actually a Jungian, so I'm gonna pass.

Return From Sabbatical

Things 'round here have been pretty nutty lately. My life tends to fall apart when the days become shorter. Dunno...I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder or some shit. And how inconvenient when life intrudes on...life. Anyway, so much to rant about, so little time. I was able to let loose with some steam over the holiday and I'm all better. Stay tuned to this blog for fresh, new ranting. And thanks to the buddy who squared me with an entire bag of Watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

Jolly? Hardly!

Okay consumers...dig this! I recently bought a bag of "Original Flavor" Jolly Ranchers...which contained only ONE piece of Watermelon! According to the nutrition facts on the bag, three (3) pieces make one (1) serving of the candy. There are about 35 pieces of candy per bag but somehow I only got 1/3 of a serving of Watermelon. Yeah, I'm aware that the assortment in each package may vary, but COME ON! Is it unreasonable to assume that I'm gonna enjoy at least ONE serving of watermelon? Sheesh! And if that weren't enough, Lemon has been replaced by Blue Raspberry. While I'm not crazy about Lemon, Blue Raspberry is definitely NOT one of the ORIGINAL flavors! I've been a Rancher fan since the old days, so I know. This is SCANDALOUS! The Hershey Foods Corporation has a toll-free number...AND I'M CALLIN' IT!

I'll be back...

Repeated Viewing #2

Like The Big Lebowski, Showtime has been playing Quiz Show for the last several weeks and I can't tear away from it when it's on. Along with My Favorite Year, Quiz Show is my favorite movie set in the 50s, a time when America was losing an innocence it never really had.

Um, Willie? Yer scarin' me, dude.

Dirty Little Secret

I can't believe the growing number of seemingly intelligent people who are taking this Secret bullshit seriously. The only person getting rich from this pseudoscientific, psychospiritual babble is Rhonda Byrne, the shameless "creator" of the DVD and book that is hoodwinking millions of people, including the already fabulously wealthy (but stupid) Oprah Winfrey. There aren't any novel concepts presented in the book or DVD, but the shallow, selfish, materialistic message is certainly appealing to an American culture obsessed with taking shortcuts to wealth. Why work for your money when you can just "think" it into magically appearing in your grubby little hands? Ugghhh! I caught a friend of mine reading the book recently and had to give her what for. I doubt she'll ever speak to me again...I'm not sure I'll miss her.

Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #4

I hated Stacy London for the longest time. As one of the "Style Gurus" of TLC's What Not To Wear she came across as an obnoxious bully, ridiculing the show's participants with her incessant smarm and haughtiness. But slowly, over many months, my opinion changed. She is hot, after all, and I began to entertain what is surely an unhealthy fantasy: imagining myself as Eliza Doolittle to Ms. London's Professor Henry Higgins. I now understand that Stacy is simply using a "tough love" approach to help those who are, like me, severely challenged in the style department. And she's not just a pretty face (and nice boobs) either. Turns out she's crazy smart. According to her bio, she graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Vassar College with a double degree in 20th-century philosophy and German literature. She'll soon be hosting her own show which I understand will be called Shut Up! It's Stacy London.

They Did It! Back in 2001!

The Japanese perfected the SQUARE WATERMELON...six years ago! And they're not even genetically modified! Apparently the melons are grown in tempered glass boxes while still on the vine. They've yet to make it to a market near me, but it shouldn't be hard to grow yer own...watermelons...not pot...cuz' growin' pot is kinda difficult...or so I've heard.

Despite All The Unpleasantness...

Dave still loves him some Britney!