Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
An Overlooked Minor Masterpiece
Starring Dick Van Dyke and written and directed by Norman Lear, 1971's Cold Turkey is one of my top 10 favorite comedies of all time. Cast with practically every comedy/character actor from the early seventies, this overlooked classic satire has been playing on SHOWTIME the last couple of weeks. I remember seeing it for the first time as a young kid and I loved it even then.***Spoiler Alert***
I even laughed when the dog got kicked!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Silly Girl...Tricks Are For Douche Bags!

Sunday, December 21, 2008
Havin' A Dance With The Baguette Man!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Peter Frampton At X-Mas
Cincinnati resident and rock star Peter Frampton reads "A Visit From Saint Nicholas" in the studios of WVXU, our local NPR station.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Disappointed By Chinese Democracy?
Here's Nicki Rose jammin' on Electric Warrior.
Allow this ROSE to rock yo' muthafuckin' ASS OFF!!!
Forever worship at his altar of ROCK 'n' ROLL!!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Playing With Yorku
Worst voice dub in movie history, as well as just being creepy. Would you let your little girl play in a boat's "basement" with Yorku, the ancient Chinese guy?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #6

Even I'M in better shape than THIS guy, so that's pretty bad! Anyway, as difficult as it was for me to do, I had to remove Miss Blunt from my monkey bank. I simply could not continue to crush on any woman who would date such a white-bread, piece-o-shit, no-talent "celebrity". But then, just moments ago (as of this writing), a fortuitous event happened. It's Saturday night and I'm sorta, kinda working with my personal assistant and platonic gal pal Millicent Malinowski. We're half-heartedly watching TV while reviewing my quarterly tax information. Gnoshin' on a handful of Goldfish crackers and enjoying a glass of Wild Irish Rose, I suddenly see Miss Blunt on the screen. She's in the Tom Hanks movie Charlie Wilson's War and she looks AMAZING! Early in the film, we see her in her underwear. She is ravishing. Gorgeous. Insane body. Because I had reluctantly stopped lusting over her some time ago, I had no idea she was in this movie. Millicent, who spends most of her waking hours working with me and is infinitely familiar with my various quirks and obsessions says, "Y'know she's not with that guy anymore. Uhm, that Bubble guy or whatever? The one you can't stand?" I'm up like a shot and rush to the computer to find some confirmation. How did I miss this? They split-up back in JULY! I had no idea. "Good for you, Emily," I say aloud. "Now...if only we could meet...somehow...you'd no doubt fall madly in love with me." Millicent rolls her eyes, shuffles some papers, and hopes that I'm not going completely mad.





Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A Long Nap
Why does one invariably feel like shit after a long nap? The perfect nap for me is exactly 37 minutes. Any nap longer than that becomes counterproductive. So, if I end up napping for like 4 HOURS, which I did today, I wake up feeling like absolute DEATH! Now I've got a tremendous headache...I slept, fully clothed, with multiple layers, so I was sweatin' like a wooly mammoth...I feel sapped of energy...and now I'll be up 'til who knows when. Millicent is bringing me a couple Bufferin, a can of Pepsi, and a cold compress, so maybe I'll feel better shortly. But damn. I hadda lotta shit I wanted to get done today. Fuck long naps!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Meatloaf...Or Frankenstein's Monster?
My New Favorite Frickin' Show



Sunday, October 12, 2008
Hey, George!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
(Not Quite) Instant Karma
The universe works in mysterious ways. Dig this!October 3, 1995 - O.J.Simpson is found NOT GUILTY of double murder in the deaths of former wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.
October 3, 2008 - O.J.Simpson is found GUILTY of 12 charges, including kidnapping and armed robbery, a verdict which may place Simpson in jail for the rest of his life.
13 years TO THE DAY! A little COSMIC COMEUPPANCE! Ya really gotta love life's little synchronicities. I guess the OJ team thought this was gonna be another LUCKY day. O W N E D!!!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I'm A Better Man Than She Is!!!

With Lindsay officially announcing that she's been dating "DJ" Samantha Ronson, my self-esteem has just been given a real boost! I'm not a particularly good-lookin' guy, but I'm a HELLUVA lot better lookin' than this Ronson guy...er, um, I mean girl. So to all you messed-up Hollywood celebutantes: give this regular guy a chance! Better lookin' than Sam Ronson and not nearly as dumb as K-Fed, I'm exactly what you're lookin' for!
Seriously though, Lindsay has to do SOMETHING to keep her name in the news. At 22 her career is most likely over. Her last couple of films were absolute SHIT and nobody'll touch her to work in a REAL movie for awhile, if ever. For a long time, I gave the girl credit. Unlike, say, Paris and Nicole, Lindsay actually HAD A JOB! She had to work to keep that nutbar family of hers afloat. Now this publicity stunt, which the media seems to be taking seriously, is the only way for Lindsay to maintain a profile. Thankfully though, it seems the news (news to some, obvious to others for a LONG time) that this country is totally in the SHITTER may finally push some of this celebrity nonsense OFF the media's radar. Citizens need to start paying attention to what's goin' on in Washington before we get RAPED by this ridiculous financial bail-out. I WILL NOT pay taxes so that some incompetent bank executive can slink off with a $73 million dollar golden fuckin' parachute after runnin' his institution into the ground.
I WILL however take a member of young Hollywood out for a nice evening. How does Red Lobster sound? And after, we can go back to my parent's place. I'll light candles and we can enjoy a REALLY good box of wine in front of the TV. I don't have any movie channels though, so we won't be able to watch Georgia Rule or License To Wed. And my mom makes really good microwave popcorn, y'know. Think about it. We may not have much more time to fiddle before the fall of Rome.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I Hate Jeff Probst #2
THIS GUY!!!Whitest...Band...EVER!!!
Aside from the (thankfully!) short snippets one hears during their incessant VH1 commercial, I've not really heard this band's music. But judging by the brief music samples, their ubiquitous hipster poseur look, and their STUPID name (Thriving Ivory? DREADFUL!) these guys are 'bout as good as SHIT on a STICK!!! (Which, BTW, is NOT the name of another band...that I'm aware of, anyway...but I bet they'd sound better than Thriving Ivory. Thriving Ivory? What the fuck IS that?) Ivory meaning white...meaning vanilla...meaning safe and BORING! Ugghhh!I dunno what to think of the current music scene. There's always great stuff out there if one is hip and willing to do a little work to find it, but most new POPULAR music is just so fucking BAD! As far as I'm concerned it's not even worthy of THEFT! Would anybody really risk a lawsuit by the RIAA by illegally downloading Thriving Ivory's MOR rubbish? "The Ivorys", as I'm sure their small contingent of "fans" call them, are the 2008 equivalent of Huey Lewis & the News...and that's an insult to the News! BOO!!! HISS!!!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
WTF?
Recently TRIED to watch Hairspray, the movie of the musical of the movie. What the fuck was John Travolta thinking? Supposedly he was affecting a Baltimore accent to play the character of Edna Turnblad. He actually sounded 1/2 southern and 1/2 retarded. Millicent, my faithful researcher, tells me that Travolta insisted on going that way with the character, much to the dismay of everybody involved. I mean, nobody else in the movie bothered to use a phony accent. Nobody on HBO's The Wire, a show set in Baltimore and noted for its realism, tried to sound like a local. This is just more proof that Travolta is completely unhinged and a self-obsessed moron.
Friday, June 13, 2008
People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.3)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
People I Don't Know...But Hate Anyway (No.2)
Sunday, June 1, 2008
White Trash With Money
The "Hogan" family is a real mess. Mom and Sis dress like hookers while Dad tries to wrangle a reality show for Bro who languishes in jail. You know...just an average American family. Anyway, here's a link to the Nick Hogan jailhouse tapes. And for more vile Hogan Family fun, check out what Mama Linda wore to visit her 17-year-old SON...in JAIL. Enjoy!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Words To Live By
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Books 'n' Books 'n' More Good Books
Gone To New York by Ian Frazier -- Collection of essays about living in NYC
Villain's Paradise by Donald Thomas -- History of Britain's post-war criminal underworld
Social History of the Third Reich (1933-1945) by Pierre Aycoberry -- More grist for my history mill
Alexander's Tomb by Nicholas Saunders -- Search for tomb of Alexander the Great
Chuck Klosterman IV by Chuck Klosterman -- Collection of essays
Dark Ages America by Morris Berman -- Pessimistic view of current American culture
Okay fan(s)! I'll try to post more often...if I can tear myself away from my books!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
'stoo Bad...

A real shame, actually. She totally used to turn me on. Now she's an absolute nut bar, letting herself go physically and mentally. I realize she's supposed to be an adult, responsible for her own actions, regardless of any past neglect or misguided intentions on the part of her parents. But, judging from her younger sibling's recent, uh, "situation", I gotta place SOME of the blame on Lynne and Jim, the seemingly ersatz and/or absentee "creators" of the Spears progeny.
But Britney used to be hot. Obviously, not only was the above picture taken years before the train wreck, but I'm sure it was also Photoshopped, the ubiquitous airbrush for the 21st Century. I don't care. She looked good. I know this makes me sound shallow, but I can't help but embrace my inner dirty old man. I've always LOVED Britney's big-ass legs. (FYI: The above photo was used as the cover shot for an issue of Esquire in 2003. It's an homage to a 1966 cover shot featuring a very yummy Angie Dickinson. Check out the February 2008 issue for the most recent treatment of this "non-nude" nude theme. While everything old is "nude" again, there's nothing "nude" under the sun!)
And anyway, dig the following notion: Britney could very well be infinitely more clever than we believe. She may actually be a shrewd media manipulator...a real hero of hype, exposing the moral illness in OUR soul by exploiting the culture which is so clearly obsessed with her every move. If she wasn't obviously endangering the physical and emotional well-being of two very young children, I'd say my girl Britney is a true post-modern genius. Of course I'm joking, but...
One could forgive Britney almost every other whacked thing she's done, including her marriage to the world's most "productive" loser, Kevin Federline. However, one cannot ignore the issue of the children. As it is, she probably treats the over-bred "dog du jour" she might happen to have stuffed into HER $13,000 handbag (see Kirstin "Dunce") better than she treats her own kids. This places Ms. Spears among the most diseased of adolescent Hollywood's sick sorority of malignant narcissists. (I DARE you to count the number of "S's" in that last sentence! A virtual black hole of "S's". The "S" as perfect storm. BTW, I used "adolescent" instead of "young" because I didn't like how "young" woulda rhymed with "among". Having said that, I shoulda just used "amongst" instead, allowing me to employ one more "S".) Hmmm, that was kinda harsh, but not totally off the mark. Britney is obviously unwell. But she maybe deserves SOME sympathy, right?
So I've admitted my not-so-secret, not-so-shameful secret shame: I like Britney. She's not talented exactly, but can be easy on the eyes. She's dumb, but not evil. And obviously very sick. She'll always be an easy target and an obvious punchline, and believe me, I won't be above taking the cheap shot. But my sincere wish is that she gets some real help real soon. Her kids certainly deserve better, at the very least. There's certainly reason for hope. Britney was competent enough recently to give the unctuous Dr. Phil the bum's rush after his unsolicited visit, so she can't be COMPLETELY delusional. And she is, for the moment at least, still single. This means that I still have a shot. After all, she deserves a good man for once.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
'Elo Kiddies
Been to the doctor recently (a rarity, as I've no insurance!) and you'll all be happy to know that I am in generally good health. Been giving some anti-depressants a try (better living through chemistry!) and while it's only been a coupla of months, I haven't noticed any marked improvement with regards to my chronic melancholia. The doctor suggests (of course!) that if one medication doesn't seem to work, we can try another one...and then another...and so on and so on, ad infinitum. Doctors and "Big Pharma" LOVE this notion, arguing that treating depression with medication is closer to medieval alchemy than it is to true science. My doc is another graduate of The Hit Or Miss School Of Medicine. And then, inevitably, after a few more months, the doc will say I've been misdiagnosed! "You're not depressed at all," he'll say. "You're bi-polar! Here...take these samples. I have no idea what they are, but the pharmacy rep dropped them off just this morning! She gave me all kinds of goodies, like this pen here. And she's got great legs! I couldn't keep my eyes off 'em. Didn't hear a word she said. But hey...you've already tried every other drug under the sun. One more isn't gonna hurt." What I REALLY need is a heroic dose of psilocybin followed by a cocaine/morphine speedball chaser. I imagine that'd liven up one's day. Actually, I'm sure all I need is more exercise. Vigorous sex on a regular basis would, I'm sure, be a MIRACULOUS cure. But I'll be dead before I find a partner who's willing to nurse me back to health in such a manner. Looks like I'll just have to settle for jumpin' jacks and walks around the block.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #5
Thursday, January 3, 2008
This Shit's Gettin' Outta Hand!
The insanity with which the RIAA conducts business is now WAY over the top.
For the rest of this story check the Washington Post.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Speaking of Watermelon Flavored Candy...

Sigmund Freud Watermelon Flavored Head Pops from the bizarre folks at McPhee.com. Stick somethin' other than a cigar into the erotogenic zone on yer face while tryin' to sort out yer id, ego, and superego. Despite my love of watermelon candy, I'm actually a Jungian, so I'm gonna pass.
Return From Sabbatical
Things 'round here have been pretty nutty lately. My life tends to fall apart when the days become shorter. Dunno...I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder or some shit. And how inconvenient when life intrudes on...life. Anyway, so much to rant about, so little time. I was able to let loose with some steam over the holiday and I'm all better. Stay tuned to this blog for fresh, new ranting. And thanks to the buddy who squared me with an entire bag of Watermelon Jolly Ranchers.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Jolly? Hardly!

Friday, November 2, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Repeated Viewing #2
Like The Big Lebowski, Showtime has been playing Quiz Show for the last several weeks and I can't tear away from it when it's on. Along with My Favorite Year, Quiz Show is my favorite movie set in the 50s, a time when America was losing an innocence it never really had.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Dirty Little Secret

Thursday, October 4, 2007
Zatso Z-List Celebrity Crush #4
I hated Stacy London for the longest time. As one of the "Style Gurus" of TLC's What Not To Wear she came across as an obnoxious bully, ridiculing the show's participants with her incessant smarm and haughtiness. But slowly, over many months, my opinion changed. She is hot, after all, and I began to entertain what is surely an unhealthy fantasy: imagining myself as Eliza Doolittle to Ms. London's Professor Henry Higgins. I now understand that Stacy is simply using a "tough love" approach to help those who are, like me, severely challenged in the style department. And she's not just a pretty face (and nice boobs) either. Turns out she's crazy smart. According to her bio, she graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Vassar College with a double degree in 20th-century philosophy and German literature. She'll soon be hosting her own show which I understand will be called Shut Up! It's Stacy London.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
They Did It! Back in 2001!



































