Those folks who are lucky enough to know me are well aware of my severe Anglophilia. I am easily seduced by all things British. Additionally, those fortunate enough to count me as a friend also know that I am straight as a fuckin' arrow. I am a heterosexual or, as some in the LGBT community might say, a het, a heto, a "commoner", a non-gay, or my favorite (though I don't have any children) a "breeder". Therefore, my deep and painful crush on the stunning British actress Emily Blunt should be a surprise to no one. Many of you probably know her from her role as "Emily" (imagine that!) the assistant to Meryl Streep's character "Miranda Priestly" in The Devil Wears Prada. I became aware of her back in 2004 when she appeared in the film My Summer of Love in which she gets naked and makes hot lesbian love to her co-star, the also beautiful, also British Natalie Press. Imagine my profound disappointment, then, when I found that my lovely Miss Blunt was "seeing" Michael "Mediocrity Personified" Bublé. He is an American "singer" of some renown who just happens to be awful...and also doesn't look good naked (see below).
Even I'M in better shape than THIS guy, so that's pretty bad! Anyway, as difficult as it was for me to do, I had to remove Miss Blunt from my monkey bank. I simply could not continue to crush on any woman who would date such a white-bread, piece-o-shit, no-talent "celebrity". But then, just moments ago (as of this writing), a fortuitous event happened. It's Saturday night and I'm sorta, kinda working with my personal assistant and platonic gal pal Millicent Malinowski. We're half-heartedly watching TV while reviewing my quarterly tax information. Gnoshin' on a handful of Goldfish crackers and enjoying a glass of Wild Irish Rose, I suddenly see Miss Blunt on the screen. She's in the Tom Hanks movie Charlie Wilson's War and she looks AMAZING! Early in the film, we see her in her underwear. She is ravishing. Gorgeous. Insane body. Because I had reluctantly stopped lusting over her some time ago, I had no idea she was in this movie. Millicent, who spends most of her waking hours working with me and is infinitely familiar with my various quirks and obsessions says, "Y'know she's not with that guy anymore. Uhm, that Bubble guy or whatever? The one you can't stand?" I'm up like a shot and rush to the computer to find some confirmation. How did I miss this? They split-up back in JULY! I had no idea. "Good for you, Emily," I say aloud. "Now...if only we could meet...somehow...you'd no doubt fall madly in love with me." Millicent rolls her eyes, shuffles some papers, and hopes that I'm not going completely mad.